While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
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