I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
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