I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
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