I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
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