you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
