dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
