I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
