I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
