You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
