i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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