He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
