Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Oh god it's open bar.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
