Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I'm sorry my penis didn't work
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
organizing the empties. That sober.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize
