I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Randomize
