There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
