I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
