is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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