My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
