Swine flu. Run for my life!
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Randomize
