i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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