I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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