I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
We have so much sex to catch up on
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
