the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I AM VODKA MAN
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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