Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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