Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Randomize
