i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
