You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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