a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
