Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
