the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
