When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
