if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
