he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
