Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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