i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
