Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Randomize
