let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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