"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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