I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
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