Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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