meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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