All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
