when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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