The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
