This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
