I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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