Yo dont text me then not text me
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Randomize
