I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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