if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
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