Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Randomize
