You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Randomize
