mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
