how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
