Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
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