I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
