we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
