Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
why does every cop we meet know your name?
jump out the window naked night went bad
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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