my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Cover your peen. We're going out.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
