You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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