I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
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