i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
