Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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