Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I think I just sharted jello shots
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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