i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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