One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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